Sunday, January 23, 2011

Will Anybody Listen?

     (I ached to talk about this for many years.  My father died three years after I was raped.  My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's five years after he died.  However, prior to that she had shown signs for at least two years.  This is how it felt. . . just aching to talk to my parents.  I was seeking shelter.  I needed to be the kid.  I needed them to be there.)

     Dad laughed at me when I tried to tell him my secret.  He shrugged me off and told me to ask forgiveness and start dressing like a lady. So, I took my secret to Mama.  I didn't get into more than two lines to my story when she put her head in her hands and began to cry.  Apologizing for not protecting me, she continued to tell me what a failure she was.  It was so painful to see her like that.  I just shut up.   

     I never saw my mother as a failure.  She was no where around.  How could she expect herself to just suddenly appear and swoop down to rescue me?  All I wanted from her was to have her listen to me, validate my story and tell me that it was all okay anyway!  That's all I wanted.  But now, I had gone and caused her so much pain that she couldn't even listen.  Now I needed to make her feel better so I pretended it wasn't really that big of a deal and told her some fabricated crap until I had her drying her eyes and moving along to another subject.
     It was that way with everyone, I thought would be safe to talk to.  Don't talk about it.  Shut up and it will go away.  For some it was, just ask God to forgive me and go on with my life.  Well, if my calculations were right, I didn't need forgiving, I needed for someone to just listen to me!  That's all.  I needed for someone who loves me to sit there and listen and maybe wrap an arm around me and tell me I wasn't the whore Daddy kept saying I was and that I was really a good person inside and out.......
      I could run a few city blocks and scream right now......I want to tell my mother to get up and be my Mom, I need her!  Doesn't she know that I need for her to wake me up to the smell of breakfast in the kitchen.  Or come to my room, brush my hair off my face and wake me up like she always did?  Selfish isn't it, for me to wish for that when she can't even control her own mind and body.  I must be out of my mind to think of such silliness! 

No comments: