I am on a journey to forgiveness and healing.
Over the past few days, well since January 22nd, I have had a rush of memories, as reflected all posts prior to this. Some of the writing was taking from my old journal. As the memories came back, I found the journal and pulled it front and center to see if I had moved beyond many of the feelings I felt at the time I wrote.
I am happy to report that as of today, the storm has lifted. The hovering black cloud of memories and heaviness is gone. What brought it on? Well, I know for certain what peeled the scab back, I wrote about it here.
I'm searching and learning and asking questions and exploring the options of what heals, what is the secret to letting go. I have a dear friend who has been kind enough to be completely honest without tearing the wounds open even farther. In the process, I am learning a lot about myself.
My journey is about COMPLETE forgiveness. I am a grown, successful mother, wife, friend, etc. . . My career(s) have been more successful than I ever dreamt. They continue to launch me into opportunities that I once only dreamed of.
Those who know me, see me as a happy, successful, funny person. Those who REALLY know me(there may be three people), know the look of "the cloud" when it overshadows me. This cloud is kind of like Haley's comet. It only appears once in a decade or a thousand years. . . whichever. At any rate, it is not something that overshadows my daily life.
The cloud can only be triggered when there is a "threat" made to my sister's life. OH CRAP. I'm not rehearsing this or writing before posting and I just wrote something that is a trigger for my junk. When my sister's life was threatened way back then, I did everything I could to rescue her. In the end, she was still molested, taught to drink and smoke by age 11 and still crashed and burned. Then, it was my turn to get burned. And it was a real burn.
This is an ah-ha moment!!!! No really, it is! Right now! So, every time my sister has old behaviors that are unhealthy as residual from "our" past abuse, it triggers me to go back and try to save her from herself and the perpetrator! THAT IS A LINK to my cloud!
Okay, I'm really gonna post this! And I'm gonna stop right here. I'm going to be with this moment. . . . just as soon as I give this post a title.
By the way, thanks for listening. . . . that's all we really need sometimes is to talk so that we can hear our own voice. . . then the voice inside will show us the silver lining behind the cloud right? YES Indeed!